If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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