Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
