Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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