my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
