this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
