i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
