YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
