I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Randomize
