so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
