I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
