my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
It's no shave November. This is our time.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
