You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
