We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
