nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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