John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
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