dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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