omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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