i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
