im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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