Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
zippers are such a cool invention
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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