3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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