wakey wakey hands off snakey
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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