FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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