If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
