So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
