Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You can't just leave with hair like that
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
