I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
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