Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize