I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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