tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Couch. On fire.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
