when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
