I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
