people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
