I didn't shave. On purpose
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
