i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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