So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize