My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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