I CAN MOONWALK!
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
