I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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