btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
