Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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