Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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