Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
