Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
