The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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