Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I lost the right to judge tonight
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize