How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
