Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
