my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
We have so much sex to catch up on
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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