I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Randomize
