then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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