WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
