I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I checked into jail on foursquare
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
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