Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
