Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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