yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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