so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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