Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I didn't notice because vodka
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
