plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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