Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
