Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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