I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
