Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
