This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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