3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Randomize
