Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
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