I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
